Apples of Iduna
by Tetraspace and Grouping
Summary: Crappy and mildly humorous retelling of the Germanic myth of the Idunn's apples. Will slowly diverge from canon. I own little, Snorri Sturluson plz don't sue.
1. Chapter 1

Loki and Odin crossed the rainbow bridge on a trip to Midgard, land of you humans. The sun was shining, flowers were blooming, the birds were singing, and the cart was not mysteriously breaking down in the middle of bandit-filled, cursed forests. All was well as they chatted and played cards on the road.

After several hours, passing many fjords and forests, the two gods began to grow hungry. Odin, in all his wisdom, had forgotten to pack a lunch; Loki had planned to steal some of Odin's crisps, and hence brought nothing. Between the two, they had not a single crust of bread.

"We must stop and hunt or gather food," observed Odin.

"I agree, but where will we find some?" replied Loki.

Odin pointed. "Over there, a herd of wild cows."

Loki picked up a stone, and with deft aim, tossed it directly at one of the cows' heads. It missed, as thrown rocks are wont to do, and struck an otter in the head, crushing its skull and killing it instantly.

"I suppose that will have to do," said Loki, mournfully. If only Doritos were found in the wilds of Midgard! He placed the otter in a pot of boiling water, and began to make a delicious otter stew.

Tens of seconds passed, and the otter had not cooked one bit. In fact, looking at the otter in the pot, it was as stone cold as the moment it started cooking.

"Maybe our hunger made it seem to take longer than it actually did, and it has barely been any time at all," suggested Odin.

"Bullshit Odin, bullshit. I counted in my head, it's been at least a minute. The stew should be done by now," replied Loki.

But then, a muscular man wearing a tight-fitting suit and a cape, descended from the skies. This was no ordinary man, though: he was gifted with the powers of flight and the head of an eagle!

"CAW CAW!" shouted the man.

"It's a bird!" said Odin, in astonishment.

"It's a pl- no, it's a bird. You're right!" added Loki.

"Schkeeeaaaah," he screeched in the manner that a bald eagle does.

Odin looked at the eagle-man with a single eye. "What is it that you want, Eagle Man?"

"Caw, Æsir! I want a taste of your delicious otter soup! And Pringles, but you don't have any! Schkeah!"

"Well begone, foolish eagle. This soup will not cook," informed Odin.

"That is where you are wrong, caw caw! It is I, using my," the eagle-man wiggled its fingers, "forbidden eagle magick!"

Odin pulled a horn from the cart, drank deeply from it, then spat it out. "Eagle magick? Preposterous!" After an awkward silence, he continued: "What must we do, Eagle Man, to allow it to cook?"

"Caw caw, Æsir! I wish to have my share!"

Odin took a look at the pitiful scraps inside the pot, and mentally weighed up what such a share would constitute. He contemplated both sides of the issue, for several seconds, before being rudely jarred out of his wise thoughts by none other than Loki.

"I say we allow the eagle to eat," he said, grinning smugly, "after all, it will never cook so long as he uses his magick on it."

Odin let out a long, heavy sigh, then agreed. "Fine, Eagle Man. Take your share of the otter soup."

"Schkeah! Thank you!" said the eagle-man, as he shoved his hands straight into the boiling water and pulled out chunks of barely-cooked meat. He greedily shoved them into his beak, and, once swallowed, jammed his hands into the pot for round two.

"Clear off, Eagle. You've had yours," complained Loki. Odin nodded grimly.

"No way, caw caw! This is delicious!"

Loki looked deeply into the mysterious, yet beautiful, well of Odin's one remaining good eye. He made a tiny hand gesture, suggesting binding the Eagle-Man in the same way that the Fenrir was, and waited for a response. Odin nodded.

The eagle-man let out a screech into the air. "Schkeah! You can not bind me!" he roared, and began hovering, his cape fluttering in the wind dramatically and he pushed one arm out in front of himself, curled into a fist.

Loki leaped, carrying a stick, and used his magic to carry him further into the air than any of you humans could. With a powerful lunge, he shoved the stick forwards, and it scraped against the eagle's super-suit, scratching it. Odin provided additional force to hold Loki up into the air, and he sent out another strike, passing by the eagle-man's face. With a powerful snap of his jaws, the eagle-man caught the stick in his beak.

"No!" shouted Loki. "I am stuck up here! Help!"

"Just shapeshift," Odin shouted, weary of Loki's folly and trickery. Why, back in Odin's day, kids respected their elders. And don't get him started on those new gadgets and gizmos the teens can't seem to pull themselves away from.

Loki let go of the stick, and pulled his form into that of a jackdaw. With a flutter of wings, he flew free from the Eagle-Man, who quickly turned. His eyes glowing red, the Eagle-Man fired two powerful beams of laser light from his eyes, tracking Loki through the skies.

Loki dived, and the Eagle-Man responded quickly and effectively. Every turn Loki could make seemed to be anticipated by the Eagle-Man, and any attempts at outmaneuvering the Eagle were met with his laser eyes. The battle seemed hopeless, and Odin was too far down to hear his doubtlessly helpful yet maddeningly inaudible tactical advice.

Loki saw an opening, and swooped directly towards the Eagle-Man. However, the Eagle's reflexes were keen, and he grasped Loki in one of his gloved hands.

"Let me down!" shouted Loki, the request coming out as a beautiful chirp.

"You must pay me," replied the Eagle-Man.

"Never!" he said, before being dragged through a lake of freezing cold water. Salmon swam around, and between freezing Loki considered what it would be like to transform into a salmon. Probably unpleasant; he would never want to do so.

"Are you sure, Loki the Joker, caw caw?" asked the Eagle-Man, putting a strange rhythm on Loki's name.

"Yes," bird-sighed Loki, "I'm certain I wouldn't betray the Æsir."

The eagle-man swooped down towards a field of spiky shrubs, but paused. "Why do you think I would want you to betray the Æsir?" he asked.

"Because you're obviously Þjazi. I'm a shape changer, I can spot these things."

"Caw caw! I am not that giant! I am the Eagle-Man!" said Þjazi, but already he was changing back into his blue-skinned, frost giant form.


	2. Chapter 2

"I knew it!" Loki chirped, before Þjazi flew down low to spike him with the thorns in the unpleasant, tangled shrubs below. "Ow! Ouch! Okay, I'll help you betray the gods!" Loki said.

"But, Þjazi, what do you want me to do?"

"I have no idea," admitted Þjazi, "I was hoping you would come up with something."

"I could take Iðunn's Apples!" suggested Loki.

"So long as you solemnly promise to, I will release you."

"I do! I promise! Just let me go!"

Þjazi release the jackdaw that was Loki from his rough, calloused hand, and Loki took the opportunity to shapeshift into his original form. Loki bowed ironically, and looked up at Þjazi.

"The apples of Iðunn will be yours," he said, walking away and towards where Odin was. When he considered he was a safe distance from Þjazi, Loki turned and shapeshifted into a jackdaw to hasten his return to the alleged "camp".

Odin stood up as Loki approached. The first thing Loki noticed was that Odin had ate the rest of the otter soup, which was disappointing, since Loki wanted to eat some of it and put most of the effort into making it edible in the first place.

Before he could notice a second thing, however, Odin wrenched him inconsiderately from his train of thought.

"Regale me with tales of your defeat of the eagle, Loki," boomed Odin in a voice simultaneously powerful and wheezing.

"Actually, Odin, I didn't defeat it. Instead, I agreed to betray the Æsir!" he said, enthusiastically.

"I knew you were untrustworthy," Odin said, standing up as his ancient and arthritic joints popped and cracked. He leaned on his spear, before gaining his balance and pointing it accusingly at Loki.

"Chill, bro," Loki said, "it was just a prank!"

Odin remained unimpressed.

"Why would I ever betray you Æsir?" Loki said.

Odin stared directly at Loki in a disapproving and fatherly manner. Obviously, the concept of Odin being Loki's father was patently absurd, but Odin pulled it off regardless.

"And, after all, giving the eagle - who was actually the Jotunn Þjazi - Iðunn's Apples - which is what I agreed to give him - would be just as bad for me as it is for you! If I were to die of old age, I would risk going to Hel!"

Odin's unimpressedness deeped, somehow, in both depth and breadth, simultaneously gaining strength whilst spreading out into new nuanced flavours of unimpressedness never before seen in any of the Nine Realms. Even Odin himself was, paradoxically, impressed with the degree of his unimpressedness, which caused the nuanced flavours to collapse into more normal types.

A detailed treatise on the nature of unimpressedness will follow at some point.

"I'll offer you my head if I steal Iðunn's Apples!" Loki offered.

Odin considered this, and decided that there was no way that Loki could ever worm his way out of an offer of his entire head. It could be decapitated, then Loki would inevitably return to life. In the meantime, though, Odin could finally have some peace and quiet.

"I trust you, Loki," Odin said at last, the utter fiction palpable in the air. "Now, let us return to Asgard, before another eagle comes and adds more to this veritable chariot-wreck of an outing."

Both Loki and Odin stepped onto the chariot, and they passed the fjords, valleys and mountains that they passed on the outbound trip, though obviously in the reverse order to how it was before. Eventually, they reached the rainbow bridge Bifrost, and crossed over it, towards Asgard, land of us gods.

Heimdallr was the first to see them arrive (typical Heimdallr) and greeted Odin and Loki, his pale and mildly sunburned hands jangling under the absurd amounts of bling he was wearing.

"Odin, you return!" he said cheerfully. "Loki, you also return," he said, a tinge of disappointment. "I was avidly watching that battle with Þjazi, you know. Avidly."

"Me too!" Loki grinned.

Heimdallr thought for a moment, but could find no flaw with what Loki said, stupid as it was. "Yes," was all he had to say.

Odin was next to speak. "Loki has-"

Heimdallr knew, and interrupted. "I know of his promise, and will not be keeping an eye on him. Not since" - a pause, as the sky darkened and a crash of thunder rung out - "the Event."

Odin and Heimdallr shuddered at thoughts of the Event. Loki wasn't listening, but had managed to capture a butterfly despite the fact that none lived on the rainbow bridge.

"Anyway, to Asgard I must go," said Odin, royally botching his word order too late in the sentence to repair things. Loki the Joker and Odin the Ancient rolled off in their chariot, away from a distracted Heimdallr.

"The Event..." he whispered to himself, before slowly ambling into his hall of Himinbjörg.


End file.
